Sunday, May 1, 2011

8 years....

I have been dreading May 1st for about a month and a half now. It is incredible how fast this day came. Even though it is May Day, a gorgeous flower holiday, it is so hard for me to see it as that, because 8 years ago today my dear mother passed away.

This is my Mom, my sister Melissa, and me (I was 16 here!).

I remember parts of that day so vividly. It is funny what sticks with you. It rained that day, but only after she passed. Rain always makes me so happy, so maybe she was trying to cheer me up. I always think of my mom whenever it rains anymore.

It is incredible how much I have clung to just because it was something that she loved. Like I still have her purse. Completely untouched and intact since the last day she used it. I don't know if I have shared this on here before (can't remember) but there is a little restaurant here in town that she LOVED. We always went there. It is a breakfast and early lunch place. Breakfast was her fav meal, and she would get blackberry pancakes. They never had enough blackberry to them for her (even though they were covered in fresh blackberries) so she would put a couple of those little tiny blackberry jam packets they have for toast ontop of her pancake stack. And she would always take a few for the road so she would have some at home just in case. Her purse still has a few packs in it. It has been almost 5 years since I looked in her purse last, I break down every time I do.

Jed used to give me a real hard time about the fact that I watch the same movies so much and so often. It took him really pressuring me about it for me to realize why I will play Harry Potter 10 times in one day, though I only see it once throughout the whole day but in bits and pieces. My mom layed in her bed, which was in the living room, for most of the time and to bring her a little more happiness we would watch movies. There wasn't a whole lot she was able to do so this was special for her. I would give anything to be able to watch a movie with her one more time. And I promise I would actually sit there through the whole movie. It is uncontrollable my need to have a movie on. I can't describe the happiness it subconsciously brings to me.

I did a layout about a month ago about this day. Sadly I have a lot of regrets that I am finding very hard to come to terms with. So it was very therapeutic to get it all down on paper. Although rereading it all to type it, it all still hurts so much.

Journaling reads: I can not believe how much I didn't say that I should have. You deserved so much more from me than I gave. I regret staying away because I didn't know how to deal with it. I miss watching movies with you. Meandering through stores. I miss your humor, your laughter, your creativity. It makes me so angry my daughters will never know you. I cry so hard some times I can barely breathe. It has been almost 8 years and it feels like nothing has changed. I should have been there more. Been more involved. Tried to make a difference for your life while you were still here to enjoy it. I'm sorry I didn't. Although I can not remember everything from that day, I most certainly can recall it being the worst day of my life. The main emotion I feel when I think of it is regret. I did not expect that day to come as quickly as it did. I remember when grandma came to me and told me she thought it was close. I didn't believe her. I guess some part of me always thought you would get better. I actually had attitude when she told me. And you were gone 20 minutes later. I can barely remember what your hand felt like in mine. These things I own I will never part with: Your purse-with all the little blackberry jam packets you would take from the Wagon Wheel still inside. The answering machine-the only recording of your voice that I own. It absolutely rips me apart inside when I hear about women not having a relationship with their mothers that is constant. Daughters that hate their mothers. I never once told my mother I hated her. From the time I was 12 years old I was afraid of losing her. Of being pulled out of class to be told that it had finally taken her. And if I had not dropped out of school to be there, that would have happened. I would have missed those last months moments with her, so I don't regret even for a moment disappointing her and not graduating when I should have. I will never again be able to tell you I love you. hug you. help you. enjoy with you. laugh with you. Be able to call you. depend upon you. ask anything. hold your hand. I will never again hear your voice. Hear you tell me how proud you are of me. How much you love me. It is kind of silly but I miss being called your Mazy girl. Why didn't I cherish that more?

I have an awful lot to work through. My grieving process has only just started recently. When you sit down and actually talk about the pain, it feels like it is neverending. I miss my mom so much. I am very thankful to have my wonderful husband Jed and my two beautiful girls. They keep me going. I am going to spend today remembering my mother, but spending some quality time with my family to make it a little easier.

I am sorry I have been so MIA recently. I have been distracted by this happy silly girl (who is growing so much! Since when did her 3T pants not need to be rolled over at the waist anymore?)

and by this chunky monkey! (She is cutting three teeth already! which means she is almost constantly nursing :P

I will return soon with updates and shares! Hope you are all well! Take care!



Natasja Cats - Verbeek said...

big hug for you Amy

Ginger said...


I loved reading your blog. I miss Cathy so much too. I was thinking today about a dogwood table cloth and how much it reminds me of her. I remember she had the softest hands i have ever felt.

I would give alot to see her again, I miss her and have my own regrets. She loved you so much. And always had a movie playing.

I appreciate your sharing your feelings, hard as it must be. I was talking to grandma and looked outside, there were 9 yellow finches at the feeder eating in the rain. Grandma said Cathy would have liked this.

Love you honey, you are such a great writer - so heartfelt. thank you for your words and thank you for sharing your beautiful family - so much hope.


Kataroo said...

I am so sorry that today is a sad day, most of all sorry that your Mom has passed. Thank-you though for reminding me to treasure the beautiful weekend I just had with my Marmie and not to take that for granted.

Wishing you well.

Keshet said...

Oh Amy, this is so, so beautiful. I have no doubt that she knew how much you loved her--that love just oozes out of you.

Sarah said...

Wow Amy. This post was amazing. Im so sorry about your loss. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Ursula Schneider said...

Amy, this post breaks my heart. I understand about regrets and loss. So very hard, so very painful and there are certain things that never seem to let go of me. One thought I have for you is that your healing might progress if you forgive yourself for those regrets. I'm betting your mom would want that. Bless you dear girl.