8 years....

I have been dreading May 1st for about a month and a half now. It is incredible how fast this day came. Even though it is May Day, a gorgeous flower holiday, it is so hard for me to see it as that, because 8 years ago today my dear mother passed away.

This is my Mom, my sister Melissa, and me (I was 16 here!).

I remember parts of that day so vividly. It is funny what sticks with you. It rained that day, but only after she passed. Rain always makes me so happy, so maybe she was trying to cheer me up. I always think of my mom whenever it rains anymore.

It is incredible how much I have clung to just because it was something that she loved. Like I still have her purse. Completely untouched and intact since the last day she used it. I don't know if I have shared this on here before (can't remember) but there is a little restaurant here in town that she LOVED. We always went there. It is a breakfast and early lunch place. Breakfast was her fav meal, and she would get blackberry pancakes. They never had enough blackberry to them for her (even though they were covered in fresh blackberries) so she would put a couple of those little tiny blackberry jam packets they have for toast ontop of her pancake stack. And she would always take a few for the road so she would have some at home just in case. Her purse still has a few packs in it. It has been almost 5 years since I looked in her purse last, I break down every time I do.

Jed used to give me a real hard time about the fact that I watch the same movies so much and so often. It took him really pressuring me about it for me to realize why I will play Harry Potter 10 times in one day, though I only see it once throughout the whole day but in bits and pieces. My mom layed in her bed, which was in the living room, for most of the time and to bring her a little more happiness we would watch movies. There wasn't a whole lot she was able to do so this was special for her. I would give anything to be able to watch a movie with her one more time. And I promise I would actually sit there through the whole movie. It is uncontrollable my need to have a movie on. I can't describe the happiness it subconsciously brings to me.

I did a layout about a month ago about this day. Sadly I have a lot of regrets that I am finding very hard to come to terms with. So it was very therapeutic to get it all down on paper. Although rereading it all to type it, it all still hurts so much.

Journaling reads: I can not believe how much I didn't say that I should have. You deserved so much more from me than I gave. I regret staying away because I didn't know how to deal with it. I miss watching movies with you. Meandering through stores. I miss your humor, your laughter, your creativity. It makes me so angry my daughters will never know you. I cry so hard some times I can barely breathe. It has been almost 8 years and it feels like nothing has changed. I should have been there more. Been more involved. Tried to make a difference for your life while you were still here to enjoy it. I'm sorry I didn't. Although I can not remember everything from that day, I most certainly can recall it being the worst day of my life. The main emotion I feel when I think of it is regret. I did not expect that day to come as quickly as it did. I remember when grandma came to me and told me she thought it was close. I didn't believe her. I guess some part of me always thought you would get better. I actually had attitude when she told me. And you were gone 20 minutes later. I can barely remember what your hand felt like in mine. These things I own I will never part with: Your purse-with all the little blackberry jam packets you would take from the Wagon Wheel still inside. The answering machine-the only recording of your voice that I own. It absolutely rips me apart inside when I hear about women not having a relationship with their mothers that is constant. Daughters that hate their mothers. I never once told my mother I hated her. From the time I was 12 years old I was afraid of losing her. Of being pulled out of class to be told that it had finally taken her. And if I had not dropped out of school to be there, that would have happened. I would have missed those last months moments with her, so I don't regret even for a moment disappointing her and not graduating when I should have. I will never again be able to tell you I love you. hug you. help you. enjoy with you. laugh with you. Be able to call you. depend upon you. ask anything. hold your hand. I will never again hear your voice. Hear you tell me how proud you are of me. How much you love me. It is kind of silly but I miss being called your Mazy girl. Why didn't I cherish that more?

I have an awful lot to work through. My grieving process has only just started recently. When you sit down and actually talk about the pain, it feels like it is neverending. I miss my mom so much. I am very thankful to have my wonderful husband Jed and my two beautiful girls. They keep me going. I am going to spend today remembering my mother, but spending some quality time with my family to make it a little easier.

I am sorry I have been so MIA recently. I have been distracted by this happy silly girl (who is growing so much! Since when did her 3T pants not need to be rolled over at the waist anymore?)

and by this chunky monkey! (She is cutting three teeth already! which means she is almost constantly nursing :P

I will return soon with updates and shares! Hope you are all well! Take care!

~Amy

Lily Bee shares and an update on pictures....

Hi! Well I really thought I would have pictures to share by now but they haven't made it on here yet. I am going to be taking more tomorrow and do some editing so hopefully I will have updated pictures real soon! :D Until then, I have some layouts to share with you all. See layouts are actually easier to do than take pictures cause I do my crafting at night when the little ones are sleeping, so I get more done then. During the day if I try to take pictures of the munch she usually has several things going on that keep the pics from turning out like I would want-super messy hair, food on face, absolutely no clothes on (this one happens a lot. I turn around and poof! she is naked again!), or just doesn't want me to take pictures. :P I need to get over the fact that pictures are not always going to be perfect every time! And focus more on documenting the everyday. I really really need to do this.

I have a busy weekend coming up as it is massive house cleaning time here at the Johnson house. I have neglected the house long enough this week, and it is just too much right now! I can't stand it anymore, so a huge cleaning is in our future and that will hopefully make it easier for me to take pictures cause I won't be worrying about getting that messy pile or those dishes in the shot. :P Laugh!

So on the scrappy side, I decided to throw my name in the hat for the Lily Bee Design Team call. :D I really love their products, and am always so inspired by their current DT that I thought I would give it a go. Unfortunately though I really don't have a whole lot of their past few releases (just what I have gotten in kits) so I had to work with some old OLD product for one of my submission LOs. I don't think they will mind though. :D It was not at all required for submitters to use new product. So here are the two LOs I sent over this evening.

This first one I used the This & That collection, and it is about my two girls getting along as sisters. They are just doing wonderfully together, and I couldn't be more happy! (I used my Jump and Jive kit by Noel Mignon to make this-there are still some left!!)

And this next LO I decided to go very neutral on the background cause I wanted lots of color pops, and used flowers to do this. So I relied heavily on the Lily Bee papers as neutrals to balance my LO and also give those colorful flowers something to bouce off of. :D I really love how this LO turned out, although it still needs journaling-which will go on the left hand side written in black. I am still trying to figure out all I want to say so that is why I left it blank for now. :D

So keeping my fingers crossed and wishing good luck to all who applied!! Can't wait to find out who they pick for the new team! :D In other scrappy news, I have something pretty awesome to announce! I found out the other day from my good friend Noel that I made the cover of Scrapbook Trends April edition! I was thrilled!! This is seriously a scrappy milestone for me-and I never thought I would have this opportunity! But here it is: I can't even believe it! Thank you thank you thank you a million times over to Pam Baird at Scrapbook Trends! She is the sweetest! It will be a little bit before this mag is in my hands, but I can wait. :D Well that is all I have right now, I will be back with more scrappy shares this weekend, as this has been a busy crafting week! :D Hope all is well with you all! Take care! ~Amy

Noel Mignon Blog Hop!!!

Hey Everyone!! So here is the low-down on the Blog Hop!!

Welcome to the April Kit Sneak peek Blog hop!

This will be a two day event, so be sure to join us both Saturday and Sunday to join in on all the fun. This is more than just a fun way to get a bunch of sneaks all in one weekend, we have also turned it into a fun game! For April, we are revealing the name of the kit through jumbled letters (this is a 3 word name, with 11 total letters).

The first stop on the hop is the NoelMignon LO/Project blog. So if you are stopping here first, please head back over there and start over to be sure you collect all the letters.

Also, be sure to leave comments along the blog route, as there will be one lucky winner of a $10 discount pulled from all the comments left along the way. We are going to pull the winner from ONE blog, but that blog is a "mystery", so be thorough, and leave comments on every blog so you don't miss out!

The kit goes up for sale bright and early Monday morning! There will be a full reveal and kits will start shipping that very day! Get your order in early, as this one has the lines that have been getting a lot of attention since they debuted at CHA, and it won't last long! Check in at the Noel Mignon LO/Project blog on Monday for the full kit reveal!

So here is my letter for the word scramble! :D

Ok so remember, it is a 3 word-11 letter phrase that you are trying to figure out so make sure you get every letter-one from each design team member! And in case you were having a little difficulty with figuring it out....Noel gave me this fun image to show so you had a little hint! :D

Happy Hopping!!! And Good Luck! Now head back over to the Noel Mignon LO/Project Blog tomorrow morn for the full reveal of this gorgeous kit! :D

~Amy

Pictures from February

Hi again! :D I have pictures to share today, but they are not recent. :P I went to go grab the camera just a few minutes ago and the battery is dead, so I need to ask Jed when he gets home where the charger is so that I can take new pictures tomorrow. Until then I will share pics from our photo shoot at Carmel Beach from February 11th. (Can't believe it has been more than a month since then!!!)

I will start off with this silly crazy little girl! She is just a wild thing nowadays, and is growing so fast! She is feisty, and opinionated (now that she can verbalize it all!), but she is so sweet and caring as well. She is a wonderful big sister, and I thank her for that everyday. She really appreciates being needed and helpful. She is still just as head strong and stubborn as the day she was born. Even though those are her most difficult attributes to deal with, I don't ever want her to lose them! She is doing a lot more on her own (eating, playing, and talking), and is wanting to do more on her own. She really growing and becoming a beautiful little girl.



These two are doing beautifully together. Aurelia puts up with 50 plus kisses a day (sometimes just that many at bed time!), and constant little hand holding. Creedence wants to be able to interact with her but realizes that there are limitations with what Aurelia can do. I know too well that that will be changing real soon, as this first year is going to be tremendous in regards to Aurelia's growth! (*Sigh* I had to take a little pity party moment there after typing that sentence! Why do they grow so fast?!) And Aurelia is just entranced by Creedence! She loves to watch her and be around her! It is so sweet to see!



And this is me. :D I haven't really wanted to take a whole bunch of pics of me lately, but I know that my children will appreciate it when they are older. I just really wanted the weight that I gained to be gone quicker! :P I know I know, I am only 2 months out. But sheesh! I seem to have a ton more on me after this baby than I did with Creedence! Laugh!



And me and my girls. These photos below mean a lot to me. This is us, all day long til Jed comes home. I thank him very much for capturing these images for me. They leave me speechless. :D

And here he is. This man is wonderful. He didn't skip a beat when Aurelia arrived. He stepped up and did what he needed to around the house, and with Creedence, and for me or Aurelia anytime something needed to be done. I can't thank him enough for being there and being so congenial about it. And he loves being a father. I can't believe my girls and I got so lucky with him. :D

Well there is an update (kinda! :P). I will be back tomorrow with the Noel Mignon Blog Hop, so be sure to check in!! :D The hop started today so if you would like to get the first part done, it all starts on the Noel Mignon layout blog! :D Happy Hopping!

Be back soon with more project shares and pictures! Take Care!!

~Amy

P.S. all pictures here were edited with Paint The Moon PSE free actions (specifically sunny days)!! Check out their facebook for details! :D